Through the Fog

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  • Not Mine To Save

    I used to think

    that I could save the world

    until I realized

    the world was never

    mine to save.

    I spent years

    trying to fix things

    I didn’t break.

    Loving people

    who didn’t know

    how to love themselves.

    Carrying burdens

    that were never mine

    to begin with.

    I thought if I cared enough,

    tried hard enough,

    gave enough of myself,

    somehow

    I could make everything

    turn out differently.

    I thought love

    could change people.

    That understanding

    could heal them.

    That if I just stayed

    a little longer,

    gave one more chance,

    forgave one more time,

    eventually

    something would give.

    And something did.

    Me.

    I broke myself

    trying to keep

    everyone else together.

    I became so consumed

    with saving people

    from their own destruction

    that I never noticed

    what it was doing to me.

    I called it compassion.

    I called it loyalty.

    I called it love.

    But somewhere along the way,

    I started confusing

    being needed

    with being important.

    And being useful

    with being worthy.

    I couldn’t stand

    watching people hurt.

    So I took their pain

    and made it mine.

    I couldn’t stand

    watching people leave.

    So I abandoned myself

    trying to convince them

    to stay.

    And the fucked-up part?

    I thought that made me

    a good person.

    Maybe it did.

    Maybe my intentions

    were always good.

    But good intentions

    don’t make you invincible.

    And having a big heart

    doesn’t mean

    you owe everyone

    a piece of it.

    I’ve had to learn

    that some people

    don’t want to be saved.

    Some people

    have to lose everything

    before they understand

    what they had.

    Some people

    will keep reaching

    for your hand

    only to pull you under

    with them.

    And no matter

    how much you love them,

    you cannot live

    their lives

    for them.

    That’s been

    the hardest lesson.

    Learning to care

    without carrying.

    To love

    without losing myself.

    To watch someone

    make the wrong decision

    and understand

    that it isn’t always

    my responsibility

    to stop them.

    I still struggle with it.

    I still want to fix things.

    Still want to reach

    for people

    who are falling apart.

    Still feel guilty

    when I choose

    my own peace.

    But I’m learning.

    Slowly.

    Painfully.

    That I can be kind

    without being consumed.

    That I can offer love

    without sacrificing

    everything I have left.

    That walking away

    doesn’t always mean

    I stopped caring.

    Sometimes

    it means I finally

    started caring

    about myself, too.

    I used to think

    I could save the world.

    And maybe

    that’s why I spent

    so many years

    feeling like a failure.

    Because no matter

    how much I gave,

    someone was still hurting.

    Something was still broken.

    Someone still needed

    more than I had.

    But the world

    was never mine to save.

    And neither

    was everyone in it.

    Maybe my purpose

    was never to rescue

    every broken thing

    I came across.

    Maybe it was simply

    to leave a little kindness

    where I could,

    love people

    without trying

    to become their salvation,

    and finally understand

    that I am allowed

    to have a life

    of my own.

    Because somewhere

    in all those years

    of trying to save

    everyone else,

    there was a woman

    quietly falling apart

    who deserved

    some of that love, too.

    And this time,

    I’m not leaving her

    behind.

  • In That Moment

    In that moment,

    I was free.

    Not healed.

    Not saved.

    Not suddenly made whole.

    Just free.

    Free from the noise

    that had followed me

    into every quiet room.

    Free from wondering

    who loved me,

    who was leaving,

    who I had disappointed,

    and who I needed to become

    to make them stay.

    For once,

    I wasn’t trying to survive tomorrow.

    I wasn’t dragging yesterday

    behind me like a body

    I didn’t know how to bury.

    There was only that moment.

    The air in my lungs.

    The ground beneath me.

    My heart beating

    without asking permission

    from anyone else.

    And maybe that’s what freedom was—

    not some beautiful life

    waiting on the other side

    of everything I’d been through.

    Maybe it was simply

    forgetting to be afraid

    for a little while.

    Forgetting the version of me

    I’d spent years apologizing for.

    Forgetting every mistake

    I’d carved into my own name.

    I didn’t belong to my past.

    I didn’t belong to my pain.

    I didn’t belong to anyone

    who had ever convinced me

    that love meant captivity.

    I belonged to myself.

    God,

    I had forgotten

    what that felt like.

    There was no grand revelation.

    No choir of angels.

    No sudden understanding

    of why any of it happened.

    I just existed.

    And for once,

    existing didn’t feel

    like something I had to endure.

    I wanted nothing.

    I owed nothing.

    I was chasing no one.

    I was begging no one

    to choose me.

    I wasn’t standing at the edge

    of somebody else’s life

    hoping they’d make room.

    I had my own.

    Maybe the moment didn’t last.

    Maybe freedom rarely does

    when you’re still learning

    how to live inside it.

    Eventually,

    the noise came back.

    The memories.

    The fear.

    The questions.

    Life reached for me again.

    But it couldn’t take away

    what I had already learned:

    somewhere underneath

    everything that happened to me,

    there is still a woman

    who belongs entirely

    to herself.

    I met her that day.

    Only briefly.

    But I know she’s there now.

    And sometimes

    when everything gets heavy again,

    I close my eyes

    and remember—

    there was a moment

    when nothing owned me.

    Not my past.

    Not my mistakes.

    Not my fear.

    Not another person’s love.

    Nothing.

    In that moment,

    I was free.

  • The Things I Carry

    I carry things

    nobody can see.

    Old conversations.

    Unfinished apologies.

    The names of people

    I still think about

    when the world gets quiet.

    I carry the weight

    of who I used to be,

    and the fear

    that maybe I haven’t changed

    as much as I think.

    Some days

    I feel like I’m doing better.

    I wake up.

    Make coffee.

    Answer messages.

    Laugh at something stupid.

    And for a little while,

    life feels almost normal.

    Then something small

    catches me off guard.

    A song.

    A smell.

    A memory

    I didn’t ask for.

    And suddenly

    I’m standing in a version

    of my life

    I thought I’d already left.

    That’s the part

    nobody really explains.

    You can move forward

    and still miss

    what’s behind you.

    You can know

    something was bad for you

    and still grieve

    the good parts.

    You can forgive yourself

    and still wish

    you’d done things differently.

    Maybe healing

    isn’t about becoming

    someone who never hurts.

    Maybe it’s learning

    how to carry the hurt

    without letting it

    make every decision.

    I’m not there yet.

    I still get angry.

    Still overthink.

    Still have days

    when I look at myself

    and wonder

    what the fuck

    I’m doing with my life.

    But I’m trying.

    Not in some beautiful,

    inspirational way.

    Just the ordinary kind.

    Getting up.

    Doing the next thing.

    Choosing not to make

    a bad day

    into a bad life.

    And maybe

    that’s enough for now.

    Maybe I don’t have to

    put everything down

    all at once.

    Maybe I can carry

    what I haven’t healed from

    and still make room

    for something good.

  • Neck Tattoo

    They told me

    I’d regret the neck tattoo.

    Like regret

    was something new to me.

    Like I hadn’t already

    carried worse things

    in places nobody could see.

    At least this

    I chose.

    The needle.

    The pain.

    The permanence.

    There was something honest

    about sitting still

    while something hurt me

    and knowing exactly

    what it would leave behind.

    I’ve spent most of my life

    with invisible marks.

    Things people said.

    Things people did.

    Things I did to myself

    trying to survive

    who I was becoming.

    Nobody warned me

    about those scars.

    Nobody asked

    if I’d regret

    the years I spent

    hating myself.

    But put ink on my neck

    and suddenly

    everyone has something to say.

    Maybe that’s why

    I like it there.

    You can’t miss it.

    I spent too many years

    hiding every part of me

    that might make someone

    uncomfortable.

    Now there’s a piece of me

    right beneath my face

    that refuses

    to disappear.

    My grandmother

    probably would’ve hated it.

    She would’ve given me

    that look—

    the one that said

    she loved me

    but absolutely questioned

    my decision-making.

    And I’d probably laugh.

    Because I know

    there are things about me

    she wouldn’t understand.

    But I like to think

    if she could see me now,

    she’d look past the ink.

    She’d see everything

    I had to fight through

    to still be standing

    underneath it.

    Maybe she wouldn’t be proud

    of the tattoo.

    But I hope

    she’d be proud

    of the woman wearing it.

    Because this neck

    has carried shame.

    Apologies.

    Words I swallowed

    when I should’ve spoken.

    It has bent

    under the weight

    of things that nearly

    made me disappear.

    So I put something permanent

    on it.

    Not because

    I needed another scar.

    But because for once,

    I wanted to choose

    what stayed.

    Call it reckless.

    Call it a mistake.

    Tell me I’ll hate it

    when I’m old.

    Maybe I will.

    But if I make it

    to old,

    I’ll consider that

    a pretty damn good reason

    to smile at

    the neck tattoo.

  • Alone

    Photo by Noah Silliman

    I know how to be alone.

    Maybe too well.

    I know how to fill a room

    with noise

    so I don’t notice

    there’s nobody in it.

    How to leave the television on

    just to hear another voice.

    How to stare at my phone

    without actually having

    anyone I want to call.

    I’ve learned

    that loneliness

    isn’t always about

    having no one.

    Sometimes

    it’s lying beside someone

    and feeling miles away.

    Sometimes

    it’s being surrounded

    by people who know your name

    but don’t know

    what’s happening inside you.

    Sometimes

    it’s realizing

    you’ve spent so much time

    making yourself easy

    for everyone else to handle

    that nobody knows

    the difficult parts of you

    at all.

    And maybe that’s why

    being alone hurts differently now.

    Because when everything

    gets quiet,

    there’s no performance.

    No smile to hold up.

    No conversation

    to hide inside.

    Just me.

    And all the things

    I’ve been avoiding.

    The regrets.

    The people I miss

    but shouldn’t reach for.

    The life I thought

    I’d have by now.

    The version of myself

    I keep trying

    to find my way back to.

    Some nights

    the silence feels peaceful.

    Other nights

    it feels like proof

    that everyone eventually leaves.

    I’m still learning

    the difference.

    Still learning

    that solitude

    isn’t rejection.

    That an empty room

    doesn’t mean

    I’m unwanted.

    That being alone

    doesn’t have to mean

    I’ve been abandoned.

    Maybe there is something

    to be found here.

    In the quiet.

    In finally hearing

    my own voice

    without everyone else’s

    mixed into it.

    Maybe I spent so long

    being terrified

    of ending up alone

    that I never considered

    I might need

    to meet myself there.

    So tonight

    I’ll sit with the silence.

    Not pretending

    it doesn’t hurt.

    Not pretending

    I don’t wish

    someone were here.

    Just reminding myself—

    alone

    and unloved

    were never

    the same thing.

  • I Still Think About You

    I still think about you.

    More than I should.

    Less than I used to.

    I guess that’s progress.

    You show up

    in stupid places—

    songs I didn’t choose,

    roads I’ve driven

    a hundred times,

    the middle of conversations

    that have absolutely

    nothing to do with you.

    And suddenly

    there you are.

    Not really.

    Just the version of you

    my memory refuses

    to throw away.

    Sometimes I wonder

    if you think about me too.

    If my name ever crosses

    your mind unexpectedly.

    If you ever reach

    for your phone

    before remembering

    we don’t do that anymore.

    I hate wondering.

    Because wondering

    is just hope

    wearing clothes

    it thinks I won’t recognize.

    And I recognize it.

    Every fucking time.

    The truth is,

    I don’t even know

    what I want from you anymore.

    I don’t know

    if I’d come back.

    I don’t know

    if I’d answer.

    I don’t know

    if hearing your voice

    would heal something

    or tear open everything

    I’ve worked so hard

    to close.

    I only know

    that I still think about you.

    And maybe that’s allowed.

    Maybe moving on

    doesn’t mean forgetting.

    Maybe someone can matter

    without belonging

    in your life anymore.

    Maybe I can miss you

    without reaching for you.

    Love what happened

    without asking

    for it to happen again.

    Remember you

    without turning the memory

    into an invitation.

    So yes—

    I still think about you.

    Sometimes softly.

    Sometimes angrily.

    Sometimes with an ache

    I can’t quite explain.

    But I don’t mistake

    thinking about you

    for needing you anymore.

    And maybe that’s

    how I know

    I’m finally letting go—

    you still cross my mind,

    but you don’t get

    to take me with you.

  • I Hate Me

    I hate me.

    There.

    No metaphor.

    No pretty way

    to make it easier to read.

    Some days

    I genuinely cannot stand

    the person inside my skin.

    I hate the decisions

    I knew were wrong

    while I was making them.

    The people I hurt.

    The people I let hurt me.

    The way I can see

    every red flag from a mile away

    and still walk toward it

    like maybe this time

    red means welcome.

    I hate how much

    I fucking feel.

    How one word

    can ruin my day.

    How silence

    can turn into rejection

    before I even know the truth.

    How my mind

    can take something small

    and drag it through

    every wound I’ve ever had

    until suddenly

    I’m bleeding from all of them.

    I hate that I know better

    and don’t always do better.

    That I apologize

    then repeat myself.

    That I want peace

    but sometimes

    I’m the one

    setting everything on fire.

    And God—

    I hate looking backward.

    Because hindsight

    makes everything obvious.

    Every exit I ignored.

    Every boundary I crossed.

    Every moment

    I abandoned myself

    just to keep someone else

    from leaving.

    People tell you

    to love yourself.

    Like it’s easy.

    Like you can stand

    in front of a mirror,

    say something kind,

    and undo years

    of believing

    you’re the problem.

    I’m not there yet.

    Some days

    forgiveness feels impossible.

    But maybe

    I don’t have to love myself

    today.

    Maybe I just have to stop

    being cruel to the person

    who already hurts.

    Maybe I can look at her

    without calling her worthless.

    Maybe I can admit

    she fucked up

    without deciding

    she is a fuckup.

    Because underneath

    everything I hate—

    she’s still trying.

    Still waking up.

    Still carrying consequences

    and somehow believing

    she might become better

    than the choices behind her.

    So yeah—

    sometimes

    I hate me.

    But I’m starting to wonder

    if hatred is just another wound

    I’ve mistaken

    for the truth.

    And maybe someday

    I won’t look at myself

    and see everything

    I wish I could erase.

    Maybe I’ll see someone

    who survived being

    her own worst enemy

    and finally learned

    how to stop fighting herself.

  • Save Your Time While It’s Cheap

    Save your time

    while it’s cheap—

    before regret

    puts interest on it.

    Before someday

    becomes five years ago

    and you’re standing there

    wondering how the hell

    you let that much life

    get away from you.

    I spent mine

    like I had an endless supply.

    On people

    who couldn’t decide

    if they wanted me.

    On arguments

    that changed nothing.

    On proving myself

    to people

    who had already decided

    who I was.

    I wasted whole nights

    replaying conversations

    that were over.

    Whole mornings

    recovering from choices

    I knew better than to make.

    Whole years

    waiting for something

    to change

    while doing everything possible

    to stay exactly where I was.

    Time felt cheap then.

    Another weekend.

    Another drink.

    Another chance.

    Another I’ll deal with it tomorrow.

    Tomorrow seemed endless

    until I started noticing

    how many of them

    were behind me.

    That’s the fucking trick.

    You never know

    what your time costs

    while you’re spending it.

    You find out later—

    when someone is gone.

    When the opportunity closes.

    When you finally become ready

    for a life

    that no longer exists.

    And suddenly

    you’d pay anything

    for one ordinary afternoon

    you barely noticed

    while you had it.

    So save your time

    while it’s cheap.

    Spend it

    on people who stay.

    On mornings

    you’ll remember.

    On becoming someone

    you don’t constantly

    need to escape from.

    Say what matters.

    Leave what hurts.

    Love while it’s here.

    Start before you’re ready.

    Because eventually

    time gets expensive.

    And regret

    has never given

    a fucking refund.

  • Fucked Up

    I know I’m fucked up.

    You don’t have to tell me.

    I’ve spent enough nights

    inside my own head

    collecting evidence.

    Every bad decision.

    Every person I hurt.

    Every bridge I burned

    then stood beside

    wondering why

    I had nowhere left to cross.

    I know.

    I know I’ve mistaken chaos

    for something familiar enough

    to call home.

    I’ve pushed away

    what felt too good

    and chased things

    that made me miserable.

    I’ve begged people to stay

    then made myself impossible

    to stand beside.

    I’ve wanted peace

    and somehow

    kept choosing war.

    That’s fucked up.

    But what nobody asks

    is how you get that way.

    How many times

    something has to hurt

    before pain becomes

    your first language.

    How long you have to survive

    before survival habits

    start looking like

    personality flaws.

    None of that excuses me.

    There are apologies

    I still owe.

    Things I’d undo

    if regret had hands.

    Versions of myself

    I wish I could sit down with

    and ask,

    What the fuck were you thinking?

    But I already know.

    I was hurting.

    And hurt

    doesn’t always make you gentle.

    Sometimes it makes you angry.

    Reckless.

    Distant.

    Sometimes it makes you destroy

    the very things

    you were terrified

    of losing.

    So yeah—

    I’m fucked up.

    But I’m also aware of it now.

    And maybe that matters.

    Because I don’t want

    to spend the rest of my life

    using my wounds

    as permission

    to keep creating new ones.

    I can’t rewrite

    who I’ve been.

    But I can decide

    who gets my name

    from here.

    And maybe someday

    I’ll look back

    at this version of me—

    messy,

    ashamed,

    trying like hell—

    and realize

    I wasn’t fucked up.

    I was unfinished.

  • Wasted Time

    I used to think

    I wasted years.

    On the wrong people.

    The wrong choices.

    The wrong version

    of myself.

    I counted birthdays

    I barely remember.

    Conversations

    that led nowhere.

    Dreams

    I kept postponing

    until they forgot my name.

    I called it

    wasted time.

    But time

    doesn’t disappear.

    It leaves something behind.

    A scar

    that taught me

    where not to bleed.

    A goodbye

    that taught me

    what staying should feel like.

    A mistake

    I stopped repeating.

    Even the years

    I spent lost

    were years

    I learned the sound

    of my own footsteps.

    Would I take them back?

    Some days.

    Some days

    I’d erase entire chapters

    if I could.

    But then I’d lose

    the lessons,

    the strength,

    the quiet understanding

    that came only

    because I lived through them.

    Maybe time

    is only wasted

    if it leaves you unchanged.

    And I didn’t stay

    the same.

    I became someone

    who knows

    that healing

    takes longer

    than hurting.

    That leaving

    can be an act of love.

    That starting over

    isn’t failure—

    it’s faith.

    So maybe

    I didn’t waste my time.

    Maybe I spent it

    becoming someone

    I couldn’t have been

    any other way.